It’s not what happens to you, but what you do with what happens to you. You’ve heard that. Most of us think if we could master that, what would happen to us would change. Go ahead and laugh. We don’t want to change, we want to keep doing what we do. We just want to get back to being ourselves. We already know, what happens to us is not going to change, we just wish it would. In fact trying to change what happens to us seems always so temptingly much easier. Deep breath, little laugh, what happens to us, is not going to change. Deeper breath, sad laugh, we have no clue in the world, how to change “how we respond” to the unchangeable, “what happens to us”. Even now, we are still hoping if we change just a little, maybe, what happens to us will change a lot, right away so we can go back to just being who we are.
Two boys on a football team. One little boy makes a mistakes, the coaches yells at him and tells him what to do. He doesn’t hear exactly what the coach says, because the coach was yelling. He tries his best, but he makes more mistakes, the coach yells at him again, and send him to the sidelines. He still didn’t hear what the coach said.
Another boy, the coach yells at the boy, but this boy doesn’t pay attention to the yelling. He only pays attention to the instruction and doesn’t really hear the yelling. He does what the coach says and he scores a goal. He comes back to the coach and the coach yells, “It’s about time! …. Get in the huddle.” The boy hears “good job, your my player.”
The coach yells and is critical, that’s what he does. He isn’t going to change. It would be nice, but he isn’t. You can be the best person possible and the world will not all of a sudden be the best world possible. They should be, but they won’t become that or be that. The world is what it is. The triggers aren’t going to change, because of what you do.
Your job is to let the triggers do different things. Let’s repeat the world is NOT going to change. What are you going to let, that same old ugly disgusting world, trigger? That is what is going to change. What triggers are you going to focus on. What those triggers mean. What you connect those triggers to.
When a mom changes the diaper on her baby, the poop is stinky and messy, but all she sees and feels is the wonderful love she has for her baby. All other people sees is the stinky poop and the job they don’t want to do. Mom hardly notices the automatic job she does while loving her baby. The poop, the job, doesn’t change. The poops and ugly jobs are not going to disappear from your life. It’s what you focus on, how you perceive them and what you create in them that is your power.
It’s not what happens to you, as what happens to you is not going to change. It’s what you do with what happens to you. “What to do”, that we have been trained by family, friends, culture, school, society, situations. They trained us on: “what to do”. If you don’t like it or it doesn’t support you, then it’s up to you to change it. What happens to you is not going to change. What you do with what happens to you is a possibility. Only a possibility if you know how to change how you respond. We aren’t normally trained in this, are you? How do you control how you respond to what happens to you? What kind of training is this?
During February, the month of Love, I encourage Love. What’s the training goal? >> Creating a loving household when I come home from work. What’s the training? >> Before you go into the house after work, pull out a picture of your family. Look at the picture and conjure up “Love” for your family. Feel, your love for your family. Pick a couple simple acts to do as you come in. Give a hug, kiss or warm hello. Now, you are ready. Remember, they are going to be the same. If they ignore you, they will be in ignore mode. If they complain or leave messes, all that will be there waiting for you. You are focused and primed. Yes, primed with Love and looking for the things you love about your family. You have some loving activities to initiate. You open the door in whatever chaos or apathy your family is in and you bring “Love” and acts of love to do. Do this for the month of February. Remember, you are training you, NOT your family. Do NOT expect them to change, just because you are acting all goofy. Do this for the month of February. Training take time, practice, adjustments and repetition. If you catch yourself having to do this Love thing as you go into March, you have been successful.
Just something you do, that’s what creatures of habit are. That’s what humans do. The only question is: Are you in control of, what you do, with what happens to you? You could just let the training of parents, family, friends, culture, society and situation on how you respond, be fine and let it be. Or, you could take charge in some areas and respond in a way that supports you and your family more. It is up to you. Remember, it’s you that is growing in a world that will just keep being the same old unchanging world.
The special dishes Mom cooks are so great because they are locked in with “Love”. The recipe is the same as the person following the directions, but mom has found the special way to stir, to add, to combine, to put in extra stuff that is just right for the ones she love. She feels love for each of those special steps and she feels how special this is going to be for her family. These experience of “Love and specialness” are part of the habit or habit machine that makes the special dish. When she makes the dish, her habits take over. She has to do it special, because it is attached to the reward she so desperately wants: the love and specialness of her family. She is MOM with MOM habit machines. She can’t help but make it special, the “MOM” way takes over, as her habit machine drives her to do it, .. to get the MOM rewards.
Society teaches a job is work. We are trained to dread and hate work. Society has trained us to look for certain triggers to focus on them. Then society has trained us to let these things to trigger dread and hate of work. They have trained you how hard it is to get ahead and how frustrating it is supposed to be. Ask anyone and they will point out the triggers, reasoning and how you should deal or respond to them. They have even categorized the types of bosses and how mean and ugly they are. You should do this or that depending on what they do. You are well trained for something, maybe mediocrity, average or just getting by. You decide. If it’s not what you want, it’s up to you to retrain you. Remember, you are in training and are going to change, ….. Nothing else. That’s right, your boss is not going to change. Your job is not going to change. The only one that is going to change is you and how you respond to what happens to you.
Training to change how you respond to what happens to you, doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a training. You have to get yourself ready with a little practice and prep. You need to come up with things to do. You will need to observe, forgive yourself, clean up messes, adjust, practice and get yourself ready and go for it again. What happens to us is not going to change. We are not going to put any energy into trying to change how it is. We are putting all our energy and training into ourselves to be stronger and better able to productively respond to “what happens to us”
One of the first steps is deciding how you want to respond. This is more than just doing. This is thinking, focusing, perceiving, experiencing, feeling, ….. And doing. That is, it is not what you do, but “HOW” you do it. We are working on the “HOW” and the doing. The what we do may not change too much, just like the diaper change, the cooking recipes, and many other things. The “HOW” may be the biggest change. Remember the what happens to you probably won’t change, and if it does, it will be small and slow. We aren’t trying to change what happens to us. We don’t expect it to change. How we perceive it, how it feels to us, what we do, …. That is what we have control over, IF we decide what we want, develop a strategy and plan, train, modify & adjust, practice, ….. And get on automatic. We are in control, when it is just something we do, naturally, automatically, without thinking.
It is so refreshing when you see someone going to work excited, seeing the possibility, the desire to do their best and grow. When they hear society trying to train them: Don’t you just hate working those long hours? They respond with, No! It’s important. I need to do this. I have a strategy, plan. This is my exciting life and I love the challenge of figuring it out. This is my amazing cross to bear to take me to my dreams. What happens to me: that’s my cross. What I do with my cross is my choice: suffer, dread, hate <<<<<>>>>>> joy, exciting, amazing! Well, it is a choice IF: we decide what we want, develop a strategy and plan, train, modify & adjust, practice, ….. And get on automatic. We are in control, when it is just something we do, naturally, automatically without thinking.
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