Children,
I know you blame me and you have every right. I apologize. I meant to train you, raise you to be the person who could go out there and take on the world, …… but I didn’t. I guess, I failed you. I really didn’t ever figure out how to take on the world myself. How was I ever supposed to train someone else to do it. I don’t know how to train either. I never even trained a dog to sit. What was I thinking I could train you successfully. I should have gotten the clue I needed help, when I potty trained you. This little task was a little frustrating indeed. I admit, I sort of blamed you, when my training failed. Why didn’t you tell me you had to go?
I kept trying to train you strong, powerful and open to the wonders of the world, but my fears, angers and limitations entered my training. After all there are dangerous, mean, ugly and very hard things you should avoid or be afraid of. I know you should face your fears, but I can’t face mine. I know I should save money, but I can’t train myself to save. I know the world is a wondrous place with abundant opportunity, but restriction, rules and limitation all block that, besides it so scary. I’m afraid all that “not so good stuff” was passed on to you. You couldn’t help but get it, as I was right there modeling and training you. I’m sure you got some upset, yelling and blaming from me as well.
I did send you to school and force you to learn a few things you should know for your own good. I think it only taught you to not like school and resist teaching. I didn’t meant to handicap you from growth. I did try to toughen you up a bit with some tough love and let you get beaten up a bit. I thought I knew something, but I was mostly doing what was done to me. I really didn’t know or study what I was doing. I tried a few times, but all I taught you was to give up easy. I just didn’t know. I just did what was done to me. After all, I’m a machine too. I just do what I do and don’t pay much attention to how well it works. It doesn’t feel like I ever had any really training.
I know I blamed my parents for a lot of my situations and things I couldn’t handle. It didn’t do much good. I also blamed my school, my situation, and lots of other things, but even when I got real mad, it didn’t change much. I was still, who I was. Nothing had changed. Finally, I just gave up and accept the limited person I was. I was trained to give up easy, so I did. I didn’t think I was giving up easy. It felt like I tried. It felt like I tried real hard, but I know I didn’t. I knew I was going to fail, so why give too much of myself, just to be disappointed.
When I was in my teens, I started to question things. I started to try to figure things out. The way it was, was just too powerful for all the ideas and new ways. They felt so warm and fuzzy, with such great potential. But that’s all they ended up being. I had no idea how to bring one of these wonderful things into reality. They were amazing, but never to really exist.
You can be whatever you want to be, was the promise. You can do whatever you put your mind to. I could never figure out how to really put my mind to it. I wasn’t trained or taught how to. I really thought I could become more, they told me I had so much potential. I just didn’t see it or know how to bring it forth. I thought they would help me, but they didn’t.
I really thought and believed I could do better with you. I have to apologize, I could only give you what I had. I loved you, of course. I gave you everything I had. But I wasn’t able to give you some of the most important things. I didn’t have them to give. Even if I’d had them, I didn’t know how to give them to you, to train you. I didn’t get the tools and methods to be trainable, so I couldn’t share them with you.. I didn’t set it up so you could train yourself to be whatever you wanted to be. I should have. I wanted to, ……. But, ……. I didn’t. It’s like you were so important, I didn’t want to make a mistake. I wanted to take care of you. I loved you.
It’s like there are these tools and trainings that allows you to trust yourself to change and grow. I never got this training or the tools. I tried, I really did. It seemed, who I was to become, was not in my control. I had been trained to give up control and let others take care of me. Whatever I was to become was just my fate, out of my control I had no special tools or training on how to take control. I didn’t have it. I had no way of giving it to you. My upbringing, society, culture had a tight hold on me.
I always thought these grand design things just happened. It was like it was up to you and your maker to do this. I thought that a normal education. I thought that was all that you need and your maker would do the rest. If you learned to read, think and know a little how history worked you would be all set. But school is only allowed to educate, never train. Training and being ourselves is our human right. They can’t train us to be little robots. Training of habit machines was off limits to school. Besides school is for society, not the individual success.
Potty training, terrible twos, getting you to bed had exhausted my limited skills. Training was off limits to schools. That means you were left with the accidental training of the status quo, society and culture. I always thought there must be some other type of training. Some sort of training that is going to rock the world and take me to my Values, Dreams and Goals. I apologize, I don’t have that training and can’t give it to you or make it available to you. It just didn’t register. I didn’t think that way. I was sort afraid of some of the crazy trainings. Maybe I goofed. The only thing I can tell you. If they are going to save you or take care of you, …. Run! They are not talking you to your Dreams.
Money, degree, cars, houses, fancy parties are nice, but they won’t, in the long run, make you happy, feel loved, and satisfied about your life. Relationships with others, engagement with life as you grow and develop yourself, train yourself to take yourself on the most amazing Journey to your Values, Dreams and Goals. This is a training that can be entrusted to no one but yourself. We parents can not do it, no matter how much we would like to. Schools can not be given this power. I have failed to even get you ready with the basic tools and methodology.
I see all these people that had rough lives and pulled themselves up and became successful. I was taken care of, saved from all the tough times. In reality my grow and be responsible for my growth machinery was stolen from me. As a kid, I know I cried and complained if I wasn’t taken care of or saved. But I’ve always dreamed of developing the struggle machine. You know: When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I wanted to learn to love the “tough”. Doesn't that sound sexy. It’s like weight lifters learning to love the “burn” when there muscle hurt with pain as they break down. How does one get this kind of training for life? I know, when you decide, it’s up to you and only you, you’ll develop this “burn” for life.
You will make lots of mistakes, as you know I have made. I hope you are forgiving. When life works it is amazing, but there are many times we are not so fortunate. We can not let that slow us down or stop us. In fact it must be designed to move us forward: Yeah, the “burn”. Ugly people, ugly situations, could they really be good for us? I know changing the world seems easier, than changing ourselves, but don’t get sucked into that logic. Grow yourself and the world grows. I leave it up to you. I apologize I haven’t left you more prepared to develop yourself. I gave up my responsibility and no one ever stepped and made me successful. I kept looking for them to come save me. I was a poor example. If I can just get you to see it is up to you to develop yourself, you will do just fine! Become the person that is in your heart and soul. It’s a training, … you can do it!
Love,
Dad
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